From the vintner:

Les Dauphins
Côtes du Rhône • 2012

‘Les Dauphins’ represents all that is good about the heritage of classic French wine. It comes from the sun drenched vineyards of the Rhône Valley in the deep South of France.

Expect classic Côtes du Rhône, bursting with ripe summer fruits, all backed up with rich, spicy, peppery flavours.

The truth:

Les Dauphins grabbed my attention by being in the bargain bin. It was eleven dollars, I believe. Also, being a French wine—and having a date with me—helped, even though she wanted Italian wine. My solution? I bought both bottles. Baller.

Its label is fanciful enough. It looks like a young girl trying to look like a woman. I don’t know what that says about me; I did, after all, pick up the bottle. In any case, the label sports old-fashioned script (think 1800s), a scene of a chateau, and pretty blue and red colors. It’s a matte label.

The nose is vaginal, with hints of acidity while still exuding an enticing levity (whatever that means).

The tongue is light and delicate. There is no hint of alcohol, and the musky flavors of the vine are only just present. I must admit, I quite like it. Like my date.

The wine’s consistency is that of blood in a strong anticoagulant. Its deep maroon color is very appealing.

The aftertaste is . . . almost nonexistent. The alcohol is almost unnoticeable, and pleasurably so.

Out of a score of “Will Buy Again” (WBA) or “Won’t Buy Again” (WBA), this wine earns a WBA.

Yours,