2013 JC van Staden Malbec

From the vintner:

Nothing. There is nothing on the label.

The (only available) truth:

This sumptuous, splendid, magnificent, heavenly, delightful wine came courtesy of NakedWines.com. For just $40 a month, you can buy discounted wines to your heart’s content. And rest assured, all of their discounted wines are sublime. (Please note: NakedWines.com has no idea I’m writing this.)

Despite this wine not being available on store shelves (presumably), I suppose it’s only fair to give it its due. Therefore, let’s discuss the label: I could have made a more interesting label. On to the next point.

The tongue is watery, which under normal circumstances would be unacceptable. But if we consider how ancient Greeks, recognizing the debilitating effects of full-strength alcohol, would routinely water down their wine in order to prolong their scholarly and intellectual discussions, then perhaps we will come to appreciate this current wine for what it is.

(As a side note, contrast this ancient practice with the modern practice of watering down alcoholic drinks to maximize profits. This practice of diluting an alcoholic beverage seems paradoxical considering that modern establishments are designed specifically for avoiding intellectual stimulation. One would therefore believe that such an establishment would shun dilution of alcoholic beverages, as doing so would promote critical thinking and discussion.)

The wine’s consistency is watery. Oh, who am I kidding. This isn’t wine; this is water.

Out of a score of “Will Buy Again” (WBA) or “Won’t Buy Again” (WBA), this wine definitely earns a WBA.



2012 Les Dauphins Côtes du Rhône Réserve

From the vintner:

Les Dauphins
Côtes du Rhône • 2012

‘Les Dauphins’ represents all that is good about the heritage of classic French wine. It comes from the sun drenched vineyards of the Rhône Valley in the deep South of France.

Expect classic Côtes du Rhône, bursting with ripe summer fruits, all backed up with rich, spicy, peppery flavours.

The truth:

Les Dauphins grabbed my attention by being in the bargain bin. It was eleven dollars, I believe. Also, being a French wine—and having a date with me—helped, even though she wanted Italian wine. My solution? I bought both bottles. Baller.

Its label is fanciful enough. It looks like a young girl trying to look like a woman. I don’t know what that says about me; I did, after all, pick up the bottle. In any case, the label sports old-fashioned script (think 1800s), a scene of a chateau, and pretty blue and red colors. It’s a matte label.

The nose is vaginal, with hints of acidity while still exuding an enticing levity (whatever that means).

The tongue is light and delicate. There is no hint of alcohol, and the musky flavors of the vine are only just present. I must admit, I quite like it. Like my date.

The wine’s consistency is that of blood in a strong anticoagulant. Its deep maroon color is very appealing.

The aftertaste is . . . almost nonexistent. The alcohol is almost unnoticeable, and pleasurably so.

Out of a score of “Will Buy Again” (WBA) or “Won’t Buy Again” (WBA), this wine earns a WBA.



2013 Agua de Piedra Malbec

From the vintner:

Agua de Piedra
Argentina, I.P. Mendoza

The spaniards as early as the 16th century followed by the Jesuits and more recently European immigrants notably Italians, were all fascinated by the beauty of the country. The result is a combination of warmth, style, and tradition. Situated at the foothills of the Andes and fed by the purest water from melted snow, the vineyards produce grapes of outstanding quality. Made to enjoy, this wine with spiced red plum flavors combined with this silky texture is ideal for meat or pasta dishes.

The truth:

Water of Grape
Argentina, Argentina

Agua de Piedra draws attention to itself by its simple yet elegant label design. At the top is an oval sticker with the words “Agua de Piedra” prominently displayed above the image of a rock and some words. Beneath that is a rectangular, aged white, matte, textured label. It very simply and beautifully pronounces its vintage.

Nose is woody, aged, and wonderful. I prefer Malbec. There is a hint of blood dripping from freshly killed game. I love Malbec. Mossy earth ever so slightly accents the afore mentioned qualities. I love Malbec.

Tongue is floaty and buoyant. It sits atop your tongue like a fairy dancing on a finger. The alcohol is ever so not present, hinting at the mischief it might impose upon you. I love Malbec. The wine evaporates in your mouth like a good steak or fillet o’fish, specifically tuna or salmon. Oh it’s quite delectable. (What am I referring to here?)

The wine’s consistency is that of blood in a mild anti-coagulant. It is not possible to see through the wine.

The aftertaste is that of young wood just barely entering its aging process. I love Malbec. It’s smokey like a kiss beside a campfire.

Out of a score of “Will Buy Again” (WBA) or “Won’t Buy Again” (WBA), this wine earns a WBA.



2012 Capa Garnacha

From the vintner:

100% Garnacha
D.O. Cariñena – 2012

Capa Garnacha, with its deep red and violet tone, is a complex wine that expresses aromas of berry and fruits like dark cherry, blackberry, cassis and notes of exotic spices, minerals and toasted oak leaving a lingering chocolaty finish.

The truth:

100% wine

Capa Garnacha’s initial appeal comes from the simple elegance of its label design, as well as the fact that it has the word “Spain” on it. The label’s deep purple square, framing a defiant bull, relates a tale of passion and power, alluding to what the consumer can only assume is the quality of their wine. The word “Capa” is set in a calligraphic typeface on a silver background, recalling a more simple time of farmers and monks. Beneath that sits a bone white rectangle that elegantly offers the particulars of the vineyard and vintage.

The wine bottle itself imparts nothing special beyond being a standard form. However, this particular form factor appears to be customary of Italian and Spanish wines, which Americans typically associate with quality. The shape therefore is a convenient marketing tool.

The nose offers hints of dirty mud after a day of heavy foot traffic. There are also hints of soiled children’s coloring tools, perhaps Waldorfian crayons. The alcohol is noticeable.

The wine’s consistency is that of blood in a mild anti-coagulant. Held up to light, it reveals it looks like diluted blood. When shaken, it behaves much in the manner that water would. It also refrains from sticking to the side of my stemless wine glass. The alcohol is not noticeable.

The tongue’s foreplay is light and airy but displays a flatness only seen in prepubescent children. Its aftertaste offers an even stronger presence of soiled children’s coloring tools. The alcohol is slightly less noticeable.

Out of a score of “Will Buy Again” (WBA) or “Won’t Buy Again” (WBA), this wine earns a WBA.



Postmortem: too damn sweet.

Review of Ender’s Game

She’s a hot gal and she’s leading you on and telling you “Oh oh whack away get yourself hard ’cause I’ll suck you off once it is” and she keeps cooing and promising dirty things and fondling her tits, all the while you’re sitting there playing with your cock imagining her luscious lips all on your shaft and then you feel yourself, you feel it coming and you say “Hey doll it’s gonna be here soon how ’bout it?” and she looks at you with a coy smile and says “Silly boy, I was just messin’ with ya” and walks on out, so now you’re sitting here with a useless chub in your hand, unable to come ’cause you stopped yourself in anticipation of a bj but it ain’t happening so all there’s to do is sit and pout.


For the Intermittent Writer


Short books about albums. Published by Bloomsbury.

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